Witty Witness

Two old men were lost driving together through Kentucky. When they finally saw a sign on the side of the interstate for the approaching town, the old man driving said, “We're almost to “Lewis-ville.” The old man sitting beside him in the passenger seat said, “It’s “Louie-ville.”" They argued back and forth about the pronunciation for a few minutes before the driver suggested, “let’s take the next exit, go into town and ask a local, then we will listen to them carefully as they tell us the name of the town, and we will have our answer.” The old man in the passenger seat agreed that would be a fair resolution to their dispute. So the driver pulled off the interstate, and into the parking lot of a local store, and the two old men went inside. The driver pleaded with the worker inside, “Sir, help my friend and me, please. Tell us very slowly and very clearly, where are we right this minute?" The worker leans forward over the counter a...

I'm an avid sports fan. I do love a good come back victory. Most of the time my team is on the losing end of come back victories, leaving me frustrated and mumbling at the TV. I remember JB asking Amber when he was younger, "why does Daddy say "damage" when Tennessee loses?" Yeah, that's it kid, "damage, we lost again." There was however one fateful night back in October of 2016 when my team was on the winning end of a great come back victory. Tennessee was playing long time rival, Georgia, at Georgia, and when Georgia lead 17-0 early in the game, it wasn’t looking good. The entire game I remember the momentum and feeling that we were about to be delivered a loss. When Georgia scored a touchdown very late in the game and lead by 3 points with 10 seconds left, the commentators were already singing the praises of the Georgia quarterback. When Tennessee had the ball with 4 seconds left on the 43 yard line, trailing by 3, morally for many watching, it...

4 hours and 19 minutes, in case you were wondering. That's how long it takes to walk 13.1 miles. As a younger man, I trained diligently for a few half marathons and actually ran the entire courses from start to finish in respectable times none the less, but that was a few years and many pounds ago. For my dad's 64th birthday, he wanted my brother and me to participate in the local half marathon with him. The race was actually on his 64th birthday, so it made the commitment that much easier. Despite not a shred of actual training this go round, we were planning to walk the entire course, so I asked myself, "how hard could it be?" The answer...quite. I showed up to the big race downtown with no breakfast in my stomach, sporting old Nikes, and a chewed up GPS running watch courtesy of our new puppy, Tux. It was his handy work from the night before after the boredom of lying on the bedroom carpet licking himself become too much to bear. The cool morn...

I stand on my back porch looking down at the bright blue Play-Dough smashed deep into the fabric of a once cream colored porch rug. The whole "Play-Dough look" really classes up the joint let me tell you. Yep, we've got a real parade of homes over here. I shake my head and whisper to myself, "that's not coming out...not a chance." Despite telling the small hyperactive delinquents that live with me not to get Play-Dough on the carpet inside or outside, that is precisely what they do. They know the rules, they hear my requests and my pleas, they just choose not to listen. Despite Amber's most diligent and unending efforts, our home often looks like the fraternity house I  lived in for a good portion of college. To really drive home the comparison of the two properties, I could share with you how I noticed a random pink Hawaiian Lei hanging from a bathroom drawer while I brushed my teeth two mornings ago. The kind of thing that makes you stop mid brush and...

At 5 feet 11 inches tall, weighing in at a cool 260 pounds, I don't need a doctor or nutritionist to tell me I'm fat. I get it. I can see the belly. I can feel the buttons on my dress shirts pull apart during wear. I leave an indention in couches. When feeling adventurous, I take the stairs at work. I work on the 5th floor of an 8 floor building. By the time I lumber my husky frame to the platform on floor 5, I'm unable to speak through winded breath, and scenes from my childhood flash before my eyes. One particular morning about a month ago, as I had my morning coffee and sat through my weekly bible study, my chest starting feeling very tight and I couldn't cool down. After our meeting, I climbed the five flight monster to my office and I was greeted by co-workers who encouraged me to go the E.R. I reluctantly agreed because if I'm being honest, I kind of thought I was having a grabber. I was convinced that stress and sweets had finally come calling...

The large foam unicorn head bounced loosely on my head and shoulders as I galloped with my kids in the middle of the Walmart aisle. At that moment I wasn't a 37 year old, balding, overweight, father of three, I was a majestic untamed unicorn. The whole event no doubt drew judgmental stares from other shoppers, but the kids had fun and I've never been one to take myself too seriously. Plus, if they didn't want you to try them on for size, they would have packaged them in a box or wrapped them in restrictive plastic, not left them piled invitingly in a bin. Giving any mask or head decor a test drive in the store is normal and expected, at least that is my defense when Child Protective Services reads this or the Walmart Loss Prevention Office shares the actual video on YouTube. Ask any adult you know and they will tell you growing up is a trick and not to do it. Mortgages, difficult decisions, responsibility, oh my. In a quote attributed to Dr. Seuss and about 10 others, ...

"It's worth it, It's all worth it," I mumble to myself through gritted teeth as I load the back of the van. How many bags does one family need for a five day get away?!? If we have an accident in route to the cabin in the mountains, they will be picking up kids clothes on Interstate 40 for hours. What happened to the littlest one's shoes? Is she allergic to footwear? What do you mean the dog lost his collar? Its strapped around his neck. How? Seriously, how? Where did it go? Why? I feel like a confused old man at 37 years old with far more questions than answers now a days. As I stand by the drivers door in the garage, I wonder if I turned off all of the lights. It's ok, if I ever figure out my Alexa app, I can turn the lights off remotely. That's a big "if" and quite presumptuous knowing my level of intellect and skill in general for all things technology. As I settle into the driver's seat, I notice the car needs gas, I have no cash in my ...

As I stood nervously in the small cinder block office just outside the courtroom, I tried to fake ownership of confidence and experience I so glaringly lacked. I was a 26 year old Assistant District Attorney for a rural county in Northeast Tennessee. Today was my first day in court, faced with a docket overflowing with cases and armed with nothing but an overpriced law degree and a cheap suit. A cheap suit that I had sweated through within minutes of hearing "All Rise!" I debated running to my car and driving home, but I was too out of shape to run, and too embarrassed to tell my wife, Amber, why I beat her home from work that day. An equally nervous lady who was subpoenaed to be a witness that day, looked up at me from her chair in the corner of the cinder block room, and asked "What should I say on the stand?" To which I responded, "how the heck should I know lady?!? I don't have a clue what's going on around here." No, I didn't really say ...